If there is one grammatical gaffe—perhaps a Freudian slip—that elicits the most consistent eye-rolling among college admission professionals, it is when students and parents use the royal "we” to refer to the child’s experience.
We are taking the SAT this weekend.”
“We applied to ten colleges.”
“Did you hear we were accepted to our first choice?”
It is more common to hear these refrains from parents, though students are also guilty of using the “majestic” plural pronoun rather than the singular first person when discussing college admission. At a time when educators are encouraging young people to embrace a sense of agency—taking ownership of their learning and future—the use of the royal we seems to represent the opposite. For students, it can be indicative of delayed adolescence and for parents, it suggests an unwillingness to “let go” or cede control over their child’s journey. Again and again, messaging to anxious parents warns against hijacking their children’s college search. “You are not applying to, testing for or attending college,” we tell them, so “let your children take the reins, make their choices and own their experience.” After all college admission can be a rite of passage that is rich with developmental opportunity as students grow into young adults.
The Power of “We”
If there ever were an occasion to use the royal we, Bishop Michael Curry captured it. At the marriage of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, the American Episcopalian bishop delivered a moving sermon on, “The Power of Love.” As Bishop Curry explained in an interview with National Public Radio, the essential message of his sermon was that “we're all in this together.” While he was referring to greater humanity, the same holds true for college admission. Perhaps our scorn of parents has it all wrong—though the student must guide the path forward, searching for and applying to college ought to be a family experience. It can be a collaborative effort that reinforces family values while empowering young people to own their growing responsibilities.
Rick Clark, director of undergraduate admission at Georgia Tech has watched as some families have grown closer and others have been wedged apart, all in the name of college admission. He says,
Unfortunately, parents often limit their student’s options by becoming overly focused on one particular school or set of schools, which stifles unity and increases anxiety and pressure. As the parent of young kids, I am always encouraged to see families who learn together, explore together, and grow together through searching for and applying to college. This happens when they understand that while they cannot control the outcomes of admission decisions or financial aid packages, they do control how they communicate, trust, listen and love one another."
When Does “We” Work?
While “we” are not taking standardized tests or writing a college essay, “we” can welcome the admission experience as a natural evolution of child rearing. “We” can certainly feel a sense of pride in accomplishments and can approach the college search as a bonding experience and opportunity to grow together.
Here’s a primer on when “we” is indeed the proper choice to maintain unity and sanity among family members in college admission:
We can discuss financing college at the outset.
We can limit talk about college to one day a week.
We can challenge each other to think beyond reputation, assumptions or preconceived notions.
We can tour a range of colleges and each form different impressions.
We can be aware of expectations and talk openly about these as a family.
We can resist the temptation to make comparisons to siblings, relatives or friends.
We can laugh, cry, celebrate and be disappointed—sometimes simultaneously.
We can realize that change is inevitable and full of potential.
We can listen attentively to others and ourselves.
We can be authentic and not attempt to “game” the admission experience.
We can accept that a college does not define a person.
We can appreciate that staying unified and majestic in this journey takes energy and intent.
We can acknowledge that we each have our own story and they are undeniably intertwined
Our Identities
Matthew Hyde, director of admission at Lafayette College has thoughtfully shepherded thousands of families through this journey and makes these observations about how “we” can all be in this together while also allowing students to shine:
The college search experience, when well-informed and good-intentioned, creates an awesome opportunity for young people to gain agency over their narrative. These college hopefuls can (and should) begin to get comfortable penning their own story, and owning the opportunity (arguably obligation) to take charge of their narrative. If not yet co-authoring their own story, this rite of passage moment presents excellent footing for college applicants to begin to do so – honoring those who have raised and cared for them, but confidently taking charge of outlining the chapters to come. Cutting out those who know them best is a bad idea on an applicant’s part, but refusing to allow applicants’ to take charge is equally bad. The ‘royal we,’ when appropriately inserted, reflects a nicely balanced evolutionary moment and the passing of the narrative-writing ‘pen.’”
The royal we in college admission need not be considered a grammatical gaffe. At a time when young people are articulating their unique identity, it is an invitation to celebrate the power of family, unity and mutual support. In a culture where we are increasingly operating in silos, it is an opportunity to welcome community and connection, acknowledging that “we’re all in this together.”
